


I'm So Tired of Being Scared

by kasswhy



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Genderqueer Jake Peralta, Hopeful Ending-ish, Non-binary Jake Peralta, Non-binary character, Suicidal Thoughts, mostly hurt and very little comfort, they/them pronouns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 10:51:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19249705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kasswhy/pseuds/kasswhy
Summary: Jake Peralta has a serious conversation with Gina about their feelings about being genderqueer. (Please read author's notes!)





	I'm So Tired of Being Scared

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly a vent fic. I tried to put their voices into the characters anyway, but that wasn't my first priority. Also, I tried to end on a happy note, but it was really forced so I'm sorry if it doesn't work. Emotions are rough. Anyway, I hope you enjoy my first fic here on ao3!

**Gina’s POV**

I’ve known Jake Peralta for almost my entire life, so I’ve become a master at reading their emotions. I’ve been there for every heartbreak, every party, and every epic-and-hilariously-stupid-stunt they’ve pulled. So when I say Jake was seriously off, I mean it. For the past week, they’ve been coming into work groggy. They can’t pay attention for more than a minute when anyone speaks to them and spaces out often. A few times, I’ve caught them staring at their blank computer screen for at least five minutes at a time with their eyes glazed over. Wasting time at work is one of my favorite hobbies, but I knew this wasn’t just about not wanting to work.

  
The rest of the squad noticed Jake’s unusual behavior as well, but they didn’t think it was anything more than another slump. I knew better. Jake has dealt with a lot of mental health issues, so I was seriously worried for them. They’re an open person and usually ask someone for help, but for some reason they didn't this time. That’s why I decided it was in their best interest to finally make them open up. Right after work, I went up to them and said, “Hey, you’re coming over to my place so we can hang.”

  
Jake looked a little too startled for what that statement warranted, like he was scared of the offer. “I don’t know, Gina. I’ve got a lot of work today and I don’t really feel like hanging out.”

  
I crossed my arms and gave them a stern look. “That wasn’t an invitation, it was an order. Now come on, I have beer in my fridge waiting for the embrace of your giant lumberjack hands.”

  
They didn’t put up any more of a fight, but as I pulled them toward the elevator, I could just hear them grumbling “my hands are normal human-sized, thank you very much.”

~

**Jake’s POV**

I did not want to be at Gina’s apartment today (or anywhere outside my bedroom, really), but I’ve never seen someone succeed in telling Gina Linetti _no_ , so I didn’t bother. I didn’t have the energy to fight her anyway. I let myself be physically dragged to her apartment, mostly just to see if she would let up at any point. She did not.

  
Without a word, I sat on her couch while Gina grabbed a couple beers and sat next to me. I set the beer on the coffee table. I wasn’t in the mood to drink anything.

  
Gina was the first to break the silence. “So you gonna tell me what’s going on?”

  
That was a difficult question. I would trust Gina with my life, but this was something I hadn’t talked about with anyone, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to just yet. Especially with someone who wouldn’t understand. Gina knows a lot of things, but she doesn’t know what it’s like to be genderqueer, and I didn't feel like being made fun of. So I went with a lie. “Nothing’s going on. Everything is normal.”

  
Gina looked at me like I was the dumbest person alive. Okay, I probably was thinking I could lie to her, but I figured it was worth a shot. I really did not want to talk about it, so I moved on to plan B: avoidance. “Damn you and your ability to read me.”

  
“To be fair, reading you is like reading a children’s book, Jake.”

  
“Haha, very funny. Where’d you get that one, the..., the..., the lame jokes factory?” _Wow, I really need to work on my insults._

  
“Stop stalling and start talking.” Damn, she's good.

  
“I can’t. You wouldn’t understand and it’s kind of dumb.”

  
Gina’s expression softened. “Look, I’ve noticed that you’ve not been yourself lately, and I’m worried about you. I know what kind of stuff you’ve been through before. If it’s hurting you, it’s not dumb.”

  
I knew Gina was right. She’s been through a lot with me and she’s never judged me before. Plus, I was getting so tired of having to keep my thoughts to myself. I also knew she wouldn’t let me leave her place until I told her, so I let go of my pride and just started talking.

  
“I...I can’t do it anymore.”

  
“Do what?” Gina asked gently. I covered my face with my hands and sighed. I really didn’t want to do this, but I had to. A silent moment passed, but Gina stayed quiet until I was ready to speak.

  
“I am so tired of being scared. I know my friends love and accept me as a genderqueer person, but I can’t go a day without feeling like the entire world is waging war against me, and all I have to protect myself is a baseball bat. Not even one of those awesome heavy metal bats that could do some real damage or even a wooden one that baseball players use. Just a flimsy plastic bat you hit flimsy plastic baseballs with so that if some stupid kids start bashing each other over the head with them they won’t break each other’s brains-”

  
“Jake, you’re rambling.”

  
“Right, sorry.” I cleared my throat, hoping it would clear my thoughts. It didn’t, but I went ahead anyway. “It’s just, I am so afraid all the time. I’m afraid to come out to my parents in case they disown me or question me. I’m afraid to come out to the world because society will definitely have some hateful shit to say about it, and I can’t handle that. I’m afraid to correct someone when they use the wrong pronouns because, holy shit, have you seen the horrible things that happen to trans people? Fuck, I’m not even sure what pronouns I want to be called because I am so afraid of being seen. All I want is to fade away so I don’t have to deal with any of this.”

  
Another pause. My hands were wringing together, and I wasn’t sure if I should continue or not. I’ve never told anyone this. _What is she going to think? It sounds so stupid, what if she ignores me? What if she laughs? What if I can’t tell her without breaking down and crying like an idiot? What if-_ Gina put her hand on my shoulder, pulling me back to reality. I could tell she was encouraging me to continue. I went on in a quiet voice, staring at the ground. “I’m constantly in a mental battle with myself trying to stay calm. But Gina, I am so scared to exist. Sometimes, when I have a bad day or I’m in the middle of another sleepless night and my brain won’t shut up, I feel like the only thing I can do to make it better is to stop breathing.”

  
I closed my eyes, still avoiding looking at Gina. I felt exhausted. I didn’t mind telling people about my feelings, but this was farther than I’d ever gone before. I felt the weight of what I had admitted on my shoulders, and I wanted to leave, anything to forget about this. As I was about to get up, I felt Gina’s arms wrap around me. I sunk into the hug and let her speak into my ear. Her voice was rough and determined; she wanted me to absorb every word.

  
“You deserve so much more than what you’ve been given, Jake. I know there’s not much I can say to make it all better, but I want you to know how proud I am that you’re still here. You are you, and there is nothing wrong with that. But I swear to God Jake, if you die, I will resurrect you, kill you, resurrect you again, die, and then haunt your ass for eternity, understand? You’re not going anywhere but up from here, and I want to be able to see it, for your sake and mine.”

  
Gina was right; there was no way for her to magically make things better. But for that moment, wrapped in her arms, she gave me something I hadn’t had in awhile.

  
Hope.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this is not what you came here for, I just couldn't sit with these thoughts stuck in my head any longer. Hope you enjoyed it anyway!


End file.
